A Journey To Healing.

Have you ever been  mistreated?
Have you ever been betrayed?
Have you ever been so heartbroken that you lost all hope in finding love again?
That you doubted yourself, felt unworthy or not good enough?
I know I have. Over and over again that I had to pause, go back to the drawing board and ask myself; When did it all start?

When did I start seeking validation from a man? When did all my insecurities begin? When did
I change from sweet and bubbly to anti-social and shy? When did I loose my sense of self? I knew I was The Catch, I knew that any guy would be Very Blessed to have me but why didn't I Feel that way? Then I realized there was a root.

I didn't have the easiest childhood. Grew up in an unstable home. My father was present physically but very absent emotionally. Because of that I was always the black sheep of the family - looking to find his attention but instead, it grew us further apart. My life was a constant escape from reality, looking for distractions, getting into trouble, until I cleared high school and met this guy. Good looking, funny, easy going, generous :), the chemistry was undeniable, the connection was amazing and I was like damn! he's 'The One'.

But here's the problem. I had this void and he had his from his own personal journey. We both had 'baggage' we did not want to deal with and voids we were trying to fill. He embraced my insecurities, I embraced his.

We dated for five years and in those years there was no growth as a couple or individually and there was never lasting peace. He cheated multiple times, was violent, betrayed me in the worst possible way but guess what, I stayed. I stayed because;
i) He was 'my world'
ii) I was still trying to fill this void
iii) I thought he 'loved' me
iv) In those years we had made two beautiful human beings together.

First Mistake - I wasn't whole.
Second Mistake - Our foundation was sand.
Third Mistake - God had not given me a go ahead.

Being a Pastor's kid, I knew God, I understood His amazing nature but I didn't have a personal relationship with Him. Not knowing that the seed that my mum had planted in me while I was growing up, would one day blossom into something beautiful.
And when it did, it was as if a dark layer had been removed from my eyes. I was more alert, I understood the unfathomable love of God for me, I found my identity and got clarity on His plans for me.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11. 

Having that epiphany, the moment he messed up again I got out of that relationship Running and never looked back. No matter what he said or did my mind was made up. Yes we had children together, but what kind of home was I going to raise them in? What kind of example was I being as a mother? Were they going to believe in love and marriage or were they going to despise it? Were they going to find love, comfort and happiness at home or were they going to find quarrels, tension and sadness?

Looking back I realized how damaged I was. Everybody around me could see how toxic that relationship was except me. The whole experience left me broken, sad, confused and I would cry out to God asking Him so many questions only to realize He had tried so many times to get me out of that relationship but I just didn't listen. My instincts were always alert and never had they misguided me. But I trusted his words more. Always, Trust your instincts. God gave them to us for a reason.

So here I was, feeling wasted and all sorts of emotions. Wondering who would accept me with my 'baggage'. Then I humbled myself in prayer and cried out to Him. This is when His love was no longer a part of a sermon or a verse in the bible. His love became an experience. He reminded me of His unconditional love for me just as I was, saying, "I Am a God of restoration."

Immediately after, there was this grace and peace that was so overwhelming that all I could do was thank Him. For the pain, the process, the experiences, because through that, strength, perseverance, patience, humility and so much more were birthed in me.Then it dawned, I wasn't just going through situations but growing through them. But I had to heal, I had to accept my situation. I had to embrace change, forget the comfort of the known and follow the unknown path and that is always the hardest part.
Healing is of essence because it exposes the hurt and insecurities and allows you to deal with them.

What I Learnt, To Heal;
Grieve - Mourn. Let it all out. Allow that vulnerability. It allows you to accept what has happened and is a step to moving forward.
Forgive - A wise lady once said, "Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and waiting for someone else to get sick." Bitterness and anger takes away your peace, can cause depression and limits your ability to love. You never want to be in a position where you make your New Man suffer for the Old Man's mistakes. Unforgiveness is never worth it.
Find yourself - Find out who you were before the hurt. Have you changed for the better or worse? Then work on yourself from there. From the inside out. Discover who you are by exposing yourself to new experiences and allowing yourself to meet new people who help in your growth. Work so hard to better yourself that when God finally brings the one He intended for you, he will feel so blessed to the point of thanking your EX for messing up.:)
Pray - Let go, Let God. Allow Him to take charge of your life, allow Him to walk with you through the pain. Connecting with Him gives you grace and peace in that circumstance.
"He heals the brokenhearted
    and binds up their wounds." - Psalms 147:3

Then;
Be on guard - "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." - Proverbs 4:23
Listen to your intuition - It is a God given tool to act as a guide in making the right decisions in our lives.
Put your intimacy with God first and everything else will fall into place - When God is at the center of all you do, greatness is your portion.

One thing I've learnt over the years is the importance and delicacy of being single. You can either grow and be whole or stay in the same position embracing anything that comes your way. All these things are determined by what you feed yourself mentally, who you surround yourself with and what you expose yourself to.
This is the only time you can realize who you truly are without any distractions. Find your strengths, build on them and your weaknesses, work on them. And by doing that you find your purpose, the sole reason as to why you were brought to this earth. But the only way you can do that is by being connected to God, only He can reveal who you truly are and why He brought you here.

Once you are whole, then you can accommodate someone else, your purpose mate. I'm calling him/her that because your passions, your drive sync. But he too has to be whole.

When you find each other, work on building a solid foundation. One that does not include sex before marriage because one, it Always clouds your judgement and two, sexual sin Always has consequences, they ain't pretty!
Love is selfless but Lust is selfish.
Building your foundation on genuine love, trust, respect and putting God at the center of your relationship guarantees you a successful beautiful marriage in future.

All you need is His Green Light. "This is what the LORD says -
    your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel:“I am the LORD your God,    who teaches you what is best for you,
    who directs you in the way you should go."  - Isaiah 48:17

"Healing doesn't mean the damage never existed, it means the damage no longer controls your life."

Be Blessed.